六级作文点评

Thanks for the job offer, but I can't

在本期大学英语四六级考试专栏中，复旦大学夏国佐教授对读者题为"A letter declining a job offer"的作文进行了讲评和改写。这是2005年12月六级考试的作文题目。作文部分总分15分，按照评分标准,这篇文章的得分是8分。

Directions: For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a letter to a company declining a job offer. You should write at least 150 words following the outline given below:

1. 对公司提供职位表示感谢

2. 解释为何不能接受所提供的职位

3. 希望予以谅解，并表达对公司的良好祝愿

读者原文

Dear Sir:

I'm writing you this letter to express my heartfelt thanks for offering me the post. I have always longed for the chance of working and studying in your company. But another reason prevent me from having the pleasure to accept the job offer.

As you know, I came from a small village where is poor and backward. The villagers are living a steadfast and assiduous life now and no college students would like to go there and help them out. So I think it's my duty to go back to my hometown and do my best to help the villagers live a better life.

For this, I'm awfully sorry that I have to give up the golden opportunity to work in your company which is well-known both at home and abroad. I hope you can understand and forgive me for the job offer. Also I wish your company becoming more prosperous every day.

Best wishes.

Yours sincerely,

Kate

改写后的文章

Dear Sir:

I'm writing you this letter to express my heartfelt thanks for offering me the post. I have always longed for a chance to work in your company. But one thing prevents me from having the pleasure of accepting the job offer.

As you probably know from my resume, I came from a small village, which is poor and backward. The villagers have been living a hard life but no college graduates return there and help them out. So, I think it's my duty to go back to my hometown and do my best to help the villagers live a better life.

For this, I have to give up the golden opportunity to work in your company, which is well-known both at home and abroad. I hope you can understand my decision and forgive me for refusing the job offer. Meanwhile, I hope your company will become more prosperous with each passing day.

Best wishes,

Yours sincerely,

Kate

夏教授的讲评

这篇作文写得还算可以，可以说达到了大学英语写作的最基本的要求。尽管有一些句子结构和用词错误，但作者要表达的意思基本上可以传达给读者。从通篇行文来看，该生基本语法和句子结构掌握较好，并已具备了驾驭长句和复杂句子的能力，对英语的词语搭配和习惯用法也比较注意。但是看样子该生有一些粗心大意，另外对文章的连贯性也不够注意，写完后没有仔细修改，犯了一些本可以避免的错误。下面是几点修改意见：

1. 第一段第二句 "I have always longed for the chance of working and studying in your company"中，应删去 "and studying" ，公司雇你去工作，并非学习。

2. 第一段第三句 "But another reason prevent me from having the pleasure to accept the job offer"中， "another reason"可以改成 "one thing" 。前面没有提过任何原因，突然来一个 "another reason" ，影响文章的连贯性。另外， "prevent"应改为 "prevents" 。

3. 第二段第一句 "... I came from a small village where is poor and backward"中, "where"应改成 "which", 这里的错误可能是受中文思维的影响。

4. 第二段第二句 "The villagers are living a steadfast and assiduous life"，猜想作者的本意是要说"村民一直过着艰苦的生活", 可是 "steadfast"的意思是"忠实的、坚定的" (faithful, constant) ，如 "a steadfast friend", 或是"稳定的、不变的"(fixed, not moving or changing),如 "a steadfast gaze"; "assiduous"意为"勤勉的，刻苦的"(marked by care and persistent effort)。例如 "her assiduous attempts to learn French", "assiduous promotion"等。这两个字比较难，该生学习中可能只记了他们的汉语翻译，没有真正掌握他们的真正意思，所以造成误用。其实，汉语中的"一直...... "，在英语中用一个完成式就可以表达出来了。

5. 第三段第一句 "For this, I'm awfully sorry that I have to give up the golden opportunity" 中, "I'm awfully sorry that"应删除。否则, 就变成 "为了帮助村民过上更好的日子, 我非常遗憾......"了, 而不是"为了帮助村民过上更好的日子, 我不得不放弃这个绝好的机会......"

6. 第三段第二句 "I hope you can understand and forgive me for the job offer." 应改成 "I hope you can understand my decision and forgive me for refusing the job offer", 否则意思不通。疑为作者粗心,漏写了 "refusing" 。

7. 第三段最后一句 "Also I wish your company becoming more prosperous every day"句型不对， "wish"后不跟动名词结构，可以改成 "I hope your company will become more prosperous with each passing day or I wish your company success and prosperity."